To Catch a Lawlipop
by Raachuu
Summary: Near's anxious, L's a pedophile, Mello's violent, Matt uses the force, and Chris Hansen is a cock-blocker. When Near sets a sexual predator up for a date with Chris Hansen, he never realized he'd open the door up to his own mentor and idol...


**I was thinking of this one day when watching South Park, I was reminded about that old old show we all used to know and love with Chris Hansen!**

**Can you guess?  
**

**To Catch a Predator! Gooodd! xD **

**Anyways, I MUST SAY: I are no sick pervert. When I say 'Chris Hansen' is a cock-blocker, I am JUST kidding. I know that those guys are disgusting and gross... But this is just for funn. =D **

**Okay so read and enjoy.  
**

* * *

**Lawlipop123: Hello? Anyone in this chatroom?**

** Youngblood14: Well I'm here. **

** Lawlipop123: Oh hello! **

** Youngblood14: Hello there!**

** Lawlipop123: Name and ASL? **

**Youngblood14: Nathan and 14, Male, New York City, New York.**

**Lawlipop123: Yummyy. **

**Youngblood14: O.o**

**Youngblood14: And you?**

**Lawlipop123: Larry, 31, and same place too! **

**Youngblood14: Oh that's cool!**

**Lawlipop123: I'm looking at your profile picture, you're quite the cutie. **

**Youngblood14: Oh, well I don't know what you look like. =/**

**Lawlipop123: I like to refrain putting my pictures up here. I'm too sexy for my own good. **

**Youngblood14: Lol, I feel like you're trying to seduce me. **

**Lawlipop123: And if I am? **

**Youngblood14: Maybe it's working. ;] **

**Lawlipop123: Mmmm… **

**Youngblood14: Yes. ;D**

**Lawlipop123: So what do you like doing for fun, cutie?**

** Youngblood14: I like playing with my toys and hanging out with beautiful OLDER men. **

** Lawlipop123: Oh? What type of stuff do you do with these men?**

** Youngblood14: You'd have to find out for yourself. **

** Lawlipop123: You said you were only 14? **

** Youngblood14: Yes.**

** Lawlipop123: Then, I would love to find out for myself. **

** Youngblood14: You think you're bad enough to get with someone like me? **

** Lawlipop123: I'd take you out of this world, to incredible unknown realms of pleasure. ;)**

** Youngblood14: How would you do that? **

** Lawlipop123: You'd have to find out for yourself. **

** Youngblood14: Heh. Using my own methods against me. **

** Lawlipop123: Exactly. ;]**

** Youngblood14: You sound hotttt. ;)**

** Lawlipop123: As do you. **

** Youngblood14: I admit I've never done anal before. I'm a bit scared…**

** Lawlipop123: Dpbr grw sqared! **

** Lawlipop123: **Don't be scared. Excuse me. But um, I didn't know we were speaking about sex?**

** Youngblood14: It's fine… And I just don't know. It's a bit unnerving thinking about sex. But I thought you might try…**

** Lawlipop123: You seem like a sweetheart. I'd go easy on you… **

** Youngblood14: Okay, I'll give you my address and phone number, you'll come over tonight? My parents are going to be out. **

** Lawlipop123: Ogg course!**

** Lawlipop123: **Of course.**

** Youngblood14: Okay, see you then, Larry. ;]] **

** Lawlipop123: Okay, see you then, Nathan. ;3**

~.~

Near sat back from the computer and smirked viciously, yet another pervert he was going to round up today. Lately there have been no interesting crimes, so he started resorting to luring in a bunch of sick nasties from the internet.

"Rester," Near acknowledged the man behind him, twirling a soft white tendril around one finger, "Call Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC. And tell him to come to this address."

"Yes sir." Rester turned and dialed the number.

Near stared at the computer, smiling mischievously. He loved the look on those wretched criminals faces when the all too famous Chris Hansen walked in, talking in such a warm tone that didn't fit the dilemma properly.

Most of all, he loved putting these sick people to justice… And with all those grotesque bastards on the internet to be caught, he never got bored with serving the righteousness they deserved.

"Rester, will you drive me to the house we have set up? Or set up a limousine?" Near spun around on his swivel chair, gray eyes watching his right-hand man.

"Yes. I'll drive." He pulled a set of keys from his pocket and opened the doors.

The two stepped out and started walking towards the SPK's own parking garage.

It was only about a ten minute drive to their destination. From there they parked and Near went inside to set up the hidden cameras, then sit and wait until his job as the decoy was needed.

After about an hour and fifteen minutes, the doorbell rang, and Near got up to answer it.

Upon opening the door, Near saw the one man he had never expected to be on the front doorstep.

It was none other than his old mentor. L. The world's greatest detective. Near couldn't believe his eyes. Not L. No not L.

Near blinked, closed his eyes, rubbed them even, but no matter how long his eyes stayed shut, or how tight he closed them, the figure before him didn't change.

"Near." L acknowledged, stepping inside, past the white colored boy.

"L?" He stared as the hunch-backed detective stared around his home, hands shoved deep into his pockets.

"Yes?" He turned to stare at the boy.

"Y-you're Lawlipop123?" Near tugged on his hair wildly, shutting the door, he couldn't contain his shock.

"Yes."

"L!" Near cried, fisting his hair now, eyes bugging out. No! Not L… And the television cameras and police had already begun to surround the house. He knew that much. Near would rather take it up the butt than see his idol being wrestled to the ground by mean police officers.

"You know, Near… I always saw you as the asexual type." L pulled his right hand out of his pocket, folding open his fist to reveal two condoms.

"L…" Near whispered, eyes filling with tears, not L… "L, why are you here?" He suddenly felt as if he were taking Chris Hansen's job.

"Hm… Why? Because you asked me to come." L approached the teen, who was supposedly fourteen, but L knew better. As soon as he laid eyes on Near, who was actually nineteen, he knew what was going to happen to him.

"I know. But I was setting you up!" Near started to pace back and forth, not bothering to walk into the kitchen, where he knew Chris Hansen was lurking, ready to tell L to 'sit down'.

"You think I don't know that now…?" L's lip lifted up slightly, staring at the younger boy, "I knew this was a set up the second I saw you. You've beaten me."

"But… you… You're justice. You're not supposed to-"

L cut him off with a gentle kiss on the cheek. He turned and walked into the kitchen, ignoring Near's whine of sadness.

~.~

"Get 'em Chris! Where is this pedo anyways?" Matt stared at the television, green eyes danced and glittered from behind his shield of goggles.

"Shut the FUCK up, Matt!" Mello screamed from the other room, slamming his book down on his lap. Matt always bothered him when he was in the middle of his Stephen King novels.

"Mello you'd really like this show!" Matt called, "It's where they bring a bunch of pedophiles to justice! Little boys and girls are little decoys that lure them in. This is why I don't flirt with younger girls. No matter how tempting."

"Shut up!" Mello yelled.

"Fine."

Matt turned to the television and couldn't believe his eyes when L walked on screen, immediately sitting down on the kitchen chair, knees pulled up to his chest in his usual fashion.

His mouth popped open, and he started shrieking, a high pitched little girl wail, "MELLO! MELLO COME QUICK!"

"SHUT UP!" Mello roared.

"HOLY SHIT! IT'S L! IT'S L!"

The sound of a chair thudding to the ground, and the squeak of leather as Mello vaulted over the couch could be heard along with a hushed, "Oh shit…"

"L!" Matt cried, leaning back and clutching his head, "I-I don't believe it!"

_"Have a seat." _Hansen said.

_"Thank you. But I'm already seated."_L nodded.

"Oh L…" Mello grumbled, "I can't believe you'd sink so low. Even I know that when a beautiful young boy flirts with you, it's always too good to be true."

Matt turned to ogle at Mello, "What?"

Mello grabbed Matt's head and turned the noggin back to the television set.

_"You sure are a creep."_ Chris said, staring down at the oddly sitting L.

_"I've gotten that before."_ L bobbed his head.

_"What are you doing here?"_ Hansen asked, cocking his head, shuffling his papers a bit.

_"You know what I'm doing here." _

_"Yes, I'm-" _

_"Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC_." L finished for him.

"So you know what this is?"

_"Yes."_ L nodded, pressing his thumb to his lip.

And when Near walked in, is when Mello simply lost it.

"THIS IS ALL NEAR'S FAULT!" Mello analyzed.

Matt jumped slightly as he stared at his angered friend, "Mello you always blame Near every-"

"No…" Mello hissed, grabbing Matt by his collar, "This is all Near's fault. He set L up! Don't you see? Near isn't just there to talk to the pedophile about their crime, he's the DECOY."

It all made sense.

Mello got up and ran out the door, not bothering for his jacket.

About ten minutes had past since Mello left the apartment, when Matt saw him burst into the kitchen, screaming.

_"L IS INNOCENT! IT'S THIS LITTLE SHIT HEAD WHO SET HIM UP!" _

Chris remained calm, _"Sir, why don't you have a seat?"_

_"NO!"_ Mello shrieked, but sat down anyways, _"No! You can't make me! COCK-BLOCKER!"_

_"Sir…"_ Chris bit his lip, starting to lose his cool, _"Who are you?"_

_"I'm Mello. And that's L! The world's greatest detective! He's innocent! And that little big-__headed twit, Near set him up!"_

_"That's how it's supposed to go…" _Chris glanced around nervously, _"Who are these __people?" _

Matt gaped at Mello on the television, "MELLO!" He screamed, jumping up and shoving on his boots, grabbing his vest and ran out the door, "I'M COMING!"

~.~

Near tugged on his hair, L sat peacefully chewing on his thumbnail, and Mello yanked out his gun as Chris tried to calm him down.

"Listen bitch, I don't fuck around-" Suddenly he was wrestled to the floor, tons of police officers trying to pry the gun from his hands.

That's when Matt burst through the door, screaming, "MELLO! I'LL RESCUE YOU!" He pounced on the police officers, punching them violently, "I'LL USE THE FORCE TO RESCUE YOU!"

Throughout the commotion, L slid out of his chair, patted Near on the head and left the premises, fishing in his pocket for his phone and dialed Watari.

"Mm, yes… Watari? I'm in a bit of a predicament. Come pick me up at the address you dropped me off at."

"Yes Ryuzaki."

L hung up and went right out the front door, waiting for his ride.

Near's eye twitched slightly, he felt himself lose all sanity as he grabbed the pots and pans resting on the counters and slammed them into the large cameras and their owners, smashing them to bits. He then pounded Chris's head into a pulpy, bloody mush of brains and hair, then, he took care of the police officers, but being careful not to smash too hard so as not to kill them, he was justice. Not justice killer.

Mello and Matt stared at Near in surprise.

Near pulled his own cellular phone out of his pocket and dialed Rester, "I'm sure you just saw what happened Rester… Come pick me up."

"I… Uh yes…"

The two exchanged goodbyes then Near walked outside to accompany L.

Matt and Mello stared at each other, "What just happened?" Matt gasped.

"Well, I don't really care. But this kitchen floor looks clean." Mello analyzed, rubbing a leather glove over the surface of the tile.

"Huh?" Matt stared at his friend.

"You know what to do." The chocolate-loving man started unlacing his pants.

"Yeah I know…" Matt turned over, allowing Mello full access.

If anyone is the sexual predator here, I believe we can all agree it's that psychotic blonde, Mello.

* * *

**Short and sweet. ;D **


End file.
